raw emotions and thankfulness

Another month and another negative pregnancy test has come and gone. We've been trying for awhile now and can't seem to get pregnant as easily as we did the first 5 pregnancies. Which seems crazy to me. Now all of a sudden, we can't even get pregnant. I struggle with even wanting to again...so when it's a "no" each month, I have a mix of emotions run through me.
I love being Faith's mommy, and she is truly the answer to my prayers. My desire to be a mom was complete the moment she was born. So more then anything, I'm sad for her. For Faith. I never wanted her to be an only child. Sisters are amazing...as I'm sure brothers are as well. I feel she will miss out on so much if she's an only child. The dynamics of a family seem so different when there's just one...as compared to at least two children. I'm afraid she'll be lonely. I was pregnant with all my friends with each of these miscarriages, and all other babies have been born (the last is going in for a c-section tomorrow). It hurts me so much to see these siblings together. And to see that Faith doesn't have that. To see matching outfits and Christmas pictures. Not that I"m not overjoyed for them, but I hurt. Selfishly. I want that. For Faith, for Kevin and for me. For our family.
My last "due date" with the last miscarriage is Dec. 17th. Two weeks from Thursday, I should be having my baby. I can't help but sob as I type this. I'm just sad. My friend is going in for her c-section tomorrow. We were two weeks apart.
Not quite sure what Kevin and I are going to do now. We discussed earlier that if we weren't pregnant this month, we'd see the specialist again. They'll put me on clomid and see if that helps. It's supposed to help me get pregnant sooner and drop more "good eggs". An issue I have. But I don't know. I really thought I'd get pregnant this month. And I'm surprised that I"m not. I'm just tired. Tired of trying. Tired of the ups and downs. Tired of making plans. Just tired.
I know this post is pretty discouraging. But I have so much in me that just needs to get out. And it helps so much when I write. It clears my head.
After saying all this. I have to say that I am so very thankful for what I do have. I feel guilty for these other feelings. I have an amazing husband who loves me and who I Love. An amazing daughter that means the world to us both. We're healthy and we have a roof over our heads, a job, food, etc. The list could go on. There are so many who don't have that. With the tragic loss of 5 officers just in the past month. 11 children are now with out parents. Husbands and wives with out their spouse. My "issues" seem so trivial in light of these other things. I need to continue to pray for these families. And that's what I need to focus on. Others. It's so easy to start looking in word and focusing on all the things in my own life. But I think if we look out word,
and continue to be thankful for what we do have....my attitude will change. My outlook will change.
I read a blog today, and a sentence that struck me was, "I don't want to just be thankful for the easy. I want to be grateful for the hard. And that involves a choice...one I'm making today."
It's in the "hard" that God grows us, teaches us, brings us closer to Him. I know that, but honestly it's a little hard to be grateful in the hard. But that's what I"m working towards.