I'm not even sure when I last blogged. Life with a two year old is quite busy. For me, writing is very therapeutic. I enjoy keeping a blog for many different reasons. I'm always afraid of forgetting things..therefore I keep lots of journals, etc. It's also helpful to write out how I'm feeling - I find it soothing to get it all out. I also believe God reveals things to me as I write. He speaks to me, comforts me, restores me. Thus, my reason for this blog.
I never thought I'd be on the journey I'm on now. Especially after Faith was born. I never expected to have the issues we're faced with now. Everything was so easy with Faith. Well here we are. Two years later...4 losses later...and finally trying to get a few answers. One ectopic and 3 miscarriages all with in a year and a half. Kevin and I met with a specialist today - and developed a "plan". A plan to get some answers - hopefully. This next month will be full of testing and blood draws (hopefully today's was the last....it was the worst blood draw EVER....and I'm used to these). The results should be back in a month - I guess they take a while. The other tests should give us some answers right away.
It'll be nice to get answers. To know one way or another if we can (or should) try for one more child. After the ectopic, I was ready to be done. It was pretty overwhelming - I had major surgery and lots of pain - but after a few months, I was ready to try again. Then, after two miscarriages (back to back), I was really ready to be done. I told Kevin he'd have to pray for God to give me the desire to want another child. After loosing three babies, I didn't have the strength to go through that again. God had given us Faith and she was all I needed. After months of prayer (for me), God changed my heart and I felt ready to try again. We believed this baby would make it. Especially after all the positive test results. Then the unexpected happened - yet again. This past year and a half has been quite the emotional roller coaster - not to mention my crazy hormone levels due to these pregnancies.
I'm not even sure I know how to feel what I feel anymore. Part of me is so apathetic. Loosing these pregnancies is "normal" now. It's not even a shock anymore. These miscarriage are much easier then the ectopic. Not a lot is involved. But on the other hand...I'm loosing a baby. A baby we planned for from the moment we found out. I don't think you can not "not plan" when you find out your pregnant. I felt the symptoms right away...even started showing...then when all looks good, it's taken away in a moment. One minute I'm having a baby, the next minute I'm not. Even Faith was warming up to the idea. When we'd first ask her if she wanted to be a big sister, she'd say "nope". But in the last week or two, Faith started saying "big sister" and kissing my belly - calling it a baby belly. I began to envision her as a big sister and what she'd be like to this baby. Kevin and I talked about names - a lot more this time around (maybe because we thought this one would make it). Was it a boy or girl? We had lots of boy names - Jonah, Noah....or would we need to find some girls names we loved? All our planning was cut off in an instant. Done. Final. No more planning.
The only thing I'm left with is this photo of the positive pregnancy test. Proof that there was a baby growing and developing inside me. And memories. A toast in honor of this new life - with friends at a dinner party; shopping for maternity clothes with Carli and Danielle; and Faith kissing and patting my belly. I'm also left with hope. Hope and knowledge that I will meet this baby one day.
I never thought I'd be on the journey I'm on now. Especially after Faith was born. I never expected to have the issues we're faced with now. Everything was so easy with Faith. Well here we are. Two years later...4 losses later...and finally trying to get a few answers. One ectopic and 3 miscarriages all with in a year and a half. Kevin and I met with a specialist today - and developed a "plan". A plan to get some answers - hopefully. This next month will be full of testing and blood draws (hopefully today's was the last....it was the worst blood draw EVER....and I'm used to these). The results should be back in a month - I guess they take a while. The other tests should give us some answers right away.
It'll be nice to get answers. To know one way or another if we can (or should) try for one more child. After the ectopic, I was ready to be done. It was pretty overwhelming - I had major surgery and lots of pain - but after a few months, I was ready to try again. Then, after two miscarriages (back to back), I was really ready to be done. I told Kevin he'd have to pray for God to give me the desire to want another child. After loosing three babies, I didn't have the strength to go through that again. God had given us Faith and she was all I needed. After months of prayer (for me), God changed my heart and I felt ready to try again. We believed this baby would make it. Especially after all the positive test results. Then the unexpected happened - yet again. This past year and a half has been quite the emotional roller coaster - not to mention my crazy hormone levels due to these pregnancies.
I'm not even sure I know how to feel what I feel anymore. Part of me is so apathetic. Loosing these pregnancies is "normal" now. It's not even a shock anymore. These miscarriage are much easier then the ectopic. Not a lot is involved. But on the other hand...I'm loosing a baby. A baby we planned for from the moment we found out. I don't think you can not "not plan" when you find out your pregnant. I felt the symptoms right away...even started showing...then when all looks good, it's taken away in a moment. One minute I'm having a baby, the next minute I'm not. Even Faith was warming up to the idea. When we'd first ask her if she wanted to be a big sister, she'd say "nope". But in the last week or two, Faith started saying "big sister" and kissing my belly - calling it a baby belly. I began to envision her as a big sister and what she'd be like to this baby. Kevin and I talked about names - a lot more this time around (maybe because we thought this one would make it). Was it a boy or girl? We had lots of boy names - Jonah, Noah....or would we need to find some girls names we loved? All our planning was cut off in an instant. Done. Final. No more planning.
The only thing I'm left with is this photo of the positive pregnancy test. Proof that there was a baby growing and developing inside me. And memories. A toast in honor of this new life - with friends at a dinner party; shopping for maternity clothes with Carli and Danielle; and Faith kissing and patting my belly. I'm also left with hope. Hope and knowledge that I will meet this baby one day.
2 comments:
I love you. I hate that you are going through this. I can't even imagine what you feel. I know I don't say much; I have no idea what to say, expect I love you and I am here for you.
Ditto what Carli said. Hugs, and we're here for you no matter what you decide and no matter what happens!!
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